Thursday, April 28, 2011

LIVING THROUGH NIGHTMARES

One evening I was walking across a huge ground and watching the stars that were especially bright. I tried discerning shapes in the constellations and was amazed on an instance to find one that resembled a human face. A man bumped into me at that moment and asked me to help him find a cab. I hailed a few but all cab-drivers did not seem to notice me. My new acquaintance laughed sinisterly every time another cab went past and I did not understand why.

In some time the bright night got a little darker and I lost the man somewhere. Instead I had this very tired feeling in my bones. I kept looking at the stars and had a feeling that they were not as bright as some time back. I also had a very strange feeling that the ground I was strolling on had fewer people than before.

In some time something very strange happened. The stars got visibly brighter and I espied the face in the constellations just as before. I looked around with an uneasy feeling and sure enough, again there were more people on the ground, all looking edgy, some running towards the street and some idly and dejectedly sitting on the ground. I had a tremendous urge to run but I did not know where to. A kind looking man stopped by and said gently, “Sister you are accursed. Run and try to catch the 12am train if u can. It is the only possible deliverance.” I thought that he was madman talking about curses and deliverance. He shook his head sadly and walked away.

Then I discovered something stranger. There were two sets of people on the ground. One set had dejected eyes, glazed all over and grim set mouths, almost looking doped and the other set looked like regular people hanging out on a weekend night. Furthermore I found out that the regular people were not noticing the weird ones at all. I almost bumped into one of them in my preoccupation and stopped to apologize. They did not even see me! With dread I started to believe that maybe I really was part of some accursed group and with this realization, started madly running towards the station where I now saw many of the others were headed. I was not in time of course and had a stitch in my side going quite fully out of my mind with crazy fear. Again the stars dimmed and I lost my sort, seeing only regular people strolling by. Again and again this cycle repeated with me trying to reach the station before the stars dimmed but missing every time. I kept getting back at the same ground I began from and as the night progressed, the crowd of weird guys kept getting larger too.

Finally, close to a quarter to twelve, on the appearance of the starry face, I really scrunched my nose in determination and ran as fast as my weary legs could carry me. I reached the station just as the clock was striking twelve and could see a sinister black train approaching. I knew if I did not board this train I will have to live through it all again and again and again till the next new moon in my accursed life and hope to get another chance at this method of deliverance. In desperation right before the clock struck twelve and the stars dimmed again I jumped from the platform right in the way of the train and let it run over me.

The stars never dimmed this time. I was running like the wind with the train without even feeling it. I felt less fearful than before but still not quite sure of what was going on. Whose was the starry face? Yama’s? Was this deliverance? Or was I in for another cycle of penance, purging my sins and checking off my karma of many lives?

"BRILLIANT!"

“Brilliant,” smiled He.
Thought she, “This is how it should be.
At least I am visible finally
Not perpetually walked over
Like transparent thin air.”
She had worked very hard
To come across His gaze
She’d tried by wit and looks to amaze
Again and again crisscrossing through his maze.
He is the lord though
He looks when He pleases
He doesn’t have to look away to tell you that He isn’t looking
But when He does that, all life ceases.
So when He actually acknowledged her
With a single blinding word, “Brilliant”,
Thunders flashed across barren deserts
And rain came pouring down everywhere.

RESOLUTIONS AND DISSOLUTIONS

Now that resolve is impossible, she’s starting to dissolve.
How could she be so confident and naïve as to believe that resolve was ever possible?
In the face of a God-sized man, what chance do sinned and weak mortals stand?
Resolve was never possible. She was a fool to think she could be held up.
It’s not due to lack of trying.
If only the inner strength they all talk about materializes in her shell.
But no Sir, all she is reduced to at each four in the morning is a dissolving heap of sobs and insecure longing.
Pathetic really, but hopeless, helpless and inconsolable…
How can she keep up the brave front for long now? How can she put her act up again?
All she wants is to become one with nature, per se – to dissolve so homogenously with the sea or the space or the forest as to be forever lost, and forever found.

ADDICTED

I’m addicted.
I’m addicted to sights, smells and joys that have nothing whatsoever to do with you.
My mind feels numb and my soul feels alive when I espy that one aroma somewhere around.
I need not think.
This is right. This is how the world should smell.
My eyes come back from the dead when they dive into an immeasurably deep pool of clear, honest water. Eyes…
Why do I need to be rescued from that pool?
It feels like home.
Let me, oh please, let me be.
My consciousness seems doubly, even triply, alive when I feel you close – which is all the time.
An unreal fantasy seems realer than reality.
The proverbial evening breeze seems to be delivering lingering caresses from an unknown lover.
Or is he known?
Secrets that I keep of the world and from the world are safe in my heart.
But is my heart my own?
I feel angry if someone or something hurts me for once.
It means there is no good in me or that someone, something.
But everything around has you and only you.
Every aroma reminds me of you, every pair of eyes seems to have you behind. Every person seems to be made of you and every detail of the world – real and in my mind – has got to have inevitable connections to you.
I feel I’ll become you one day myself and that thought brings me a heady feeling of weightless transparence.
I love you.
And I’m totally addicted to you.